The M-C Virus

I wrote this short letter to a friend, who was down and needed a laugh.

Dear _______, You told me that you were depressed, fatigued, and blue. I know that you watch a bit of TV so let me ask you some questions.

DO you watch "The Mentalist" and enjoy it?

DO you watch movie trailers and jot down the release dates?

DO you find yourself thinking about the "real choices in toilet paper?"

DO you walk around your house sniffing, then thinking about Glade air fresheners?

DO you spend time thinking about the best way to mop your kitchen floor?

DO you think that "Boniva" ads are cute and/or informative?

DO you believe that using Ambien ([high pitched voice] "that cute little butterfly") is a better sleep remedy than a bottle of MD 20-20?

DO you believe that NBC Nightly News with Brian Anderson represents TRUTH, RIGHT, JUSTICE, and the AMERICAN WAY?

DO you consider the contestants on "Survivor" to be a stunningly accurate cross-section of sober, earnest Americans?

DO you get up in the morning and immediately turn on the TV to get the "latest in late-breaking news?"

If you answered "yes" to ANY of the above ten questions, you have been infected with the far-feared M-C virus!

This virus, aka as the Mindless-Clueless Virus, was discovered by Dr. Prolegomeous Vagina after interviewing selected adults and high school seniors in Bumfuck, Idaho. He immediately noted the vacuity, the witless stares, the repetition of simple self-serving ideas, i.e. I hungry, I need a Coke, where are the drugs?, and what he called "general moral laxness".

The virus manifests itself around television sets and is spread by the breath expelled in useless, stupid talk. The disease vectors seem to congregate in Walmart, K-Mart and Target stores with minor outbreaks at McDonald's and Burger King. Several analysts have suggested staying away from especially dumb movies because of the frequent flare-up of the pest in their vicinity. For as yet unknown reasons people who use cell phones while driving are also at risk.

Some common strategies to avoid the M-C virus

Read a book in public (not the Bible or the Rapture series)

Spread a rumor that any medicine advertised on TV causes crotch warts.

Avoid Walmart, K-Mart, and Target stores and any fast-food outlets.

Avoid any TV show whose advertising includes the sentence, "I can't wait for the glamor."

Tell people you are no longer listening to any "batshit" crazy politicians, e.g.

Michelle Bachman, Paul Ryan, Ron Paul.

Disinfect your cell phone with a flame thrower.

And, lastly, before his commitment to the Sweet Home Medical Institute for the Benefit of the Sick, Insane, and Drooping Poor, Dr. Vagina recommended the use of fire to eradicate the virus: first,napalm; then, atomic weapons.